Living Authentically (and Loving It?)

A personal essay by Anna Christensen

"It is far better to live your own destiny, duties, and nature imperfectly than to live an imitation of someone else's with perfection". -The Bhagavad Gita

"Let Peace Fill Your Body"-Sage Friedman

There have been points in my life where I preferred to surf the tides of trends and societal norms. I went crazy for chia pets and Lisa Frank folders in the early 2000s, as did my classmates and friends. More recently, I bought velvet scrunchies, a denim jacket, and suede boots at the same time that everyone else did.

More importantly, I've chosen specific paths in my life because that's what everyone else was doing. I applied to BYU, I served a mission, I got married. While I did all of these things willingly, I do know my desire to conform contributed to the confidence with which I made these decisions. During some of these decisions, I seemed to be living "an imitation of someone else's [life] with perfection". All that mattered was that the boxes were checked.

"Checklist"-Glenn Carstens

I say that those decisions in my life felt like an imitation because I didn't think my destiny and nature was primarily defined by those choices. For me, they were so heavily influenced by what my peers were doing. For me, those decisions were not as driven by pure desire as they should have been.

I wanted to blend in and merge smoothly and responsibly into the chaos that is young adult life. My parents have always been pretty far on the helicopter end of the parenting spectrum, so I knew the best way to gain autonomy was to check off all the "good" boxes. The chore boxes, the homework boxes, and the life milestone boxes all had to be checked off. Then, I could anything I wanted to. These moments became the points in my life where I lived my destiny and discovered my duties.

Despite this desire to conform and be responsible, I amaze myself every day. Maybe it's my true nature shining through? I've made non-replicable mistakes, and I've experienced some catastrophic failures.

"Airplane"-Tom Barrett

For example, in the winter of 2015, I invited my friends over and threw a huge party. I was temporarily home from college, so I wanted a final hurrah before flying back to Provo the next morning. Turns out I partied too late and too soon because I slept through that morning flight. My parents, in a panic, purchased a new plane ticket for the next day and practically exiled me to the airport (hours ahead of schedule). I never asked how much the fiasco cost them and was too afraid to ask.

The party had gone well though. I had spent hours contacting friends I hadn't seen in months, telling them all who was coming, and planning the games and activities. Once everyone arrived, we ordered our usual Little Caesar's extra cheesy pizza with 2-liter bottles of root beer and savored the moment as we all temporarily forgot our newfound adult responsibilities like jobs, rent, and tuition.

We celebrated our friendships, played games in the backyard, and smacked each other with pool noodles. Everyone was laughing right up until midnight when we finally realized how tired we all were. That party is a good memory, and I'd pay for a plane ticket myself to experience it again.

In the spring of 2016, I dropped my water bottle lid into Stewart Falls. Instead of buying a new $10-dollar water bottle (too expensive, I thought), I kept the uncapped bottle in my backpack. Yes, next to my very expensive MacBook. No, water bottles do not actually hold water without lids. RIP MacBook.

"Stewart Falls"-Dakota Corbin

That memory is still so traumatic, I can't think about it for very long. However, since the incident, I've also been aware of my fallibility and flaws. I'm willing to second guess myself when it matters. I'm also a strong proponent of the warning not to be "penny wise, pound foolish". This example also makes for great ammo when anyone else in my close circle of friends makes a stupid mistake. I become infinitely more forgiving once the incident is mentioned.

I began realizing positive aspects of my own nature when I decided that at 20, I was old enough to decide if I wanted to eat sushi or not even though my parents hate sushi. After that first time, I've become a habitual sushi eater, but my parents still don't know. It's amazing how liberating even a minor food choice can be in the larger scape of life.

There have also been moments when my nature allowed me to be the solution to unsolvable problems.  For example, when my friend ruined a laptop case and couldn't purchase a new one, I sewed one using her favorite fabric with a personalized zipper.

I also created a new website for my parents using coding skills that I gained long before the need arose. They needed a website for their business but couldn't afford one. I revamped their defunct website for free to help them get the customers they needed to pay for a higher-quality website later.

"Pianista"-Ella Pellegrini

My grandmother loved live piano music but couldn't leave the house. Each Sunday became her own private concert in her home as I played all of her favorite songs from the '30s, '40s, and '50s (often multiple times, per her request).

During these concerts, my grandmother relived her childhood while I imagined hers for the first time. I practiced songs such as "Goodnight Vienna" and "Charmaine", trying to mimic the sweet crooning tone of the original performers with the piano. I always knew when I performed especially well because my grandma couldn't help but hum or even sing along, and she would describe the movie she had first heard the song in or what she knew about the music artists.

 I gained each of these skills beforehand by following my own specific path. No one else in my close family or friend groups can sew, code, or play the piano. These skills aren't things I picked up because "that's what everyone else was doing". I chose them myself and felt the motivation I needed to refine my skills in each before the moment of need arose.

Through these experiences I've shared, you may have learned completely different things than I did. That's the beautiful part of the contradictory nature of living your own truth, as described in other passages of the Bhagavad Gita. The truth simultaneously reveals and conceals. What it reveals or conceals for one person or another at any given time could be completely opposite. It's only important that you see and interpret the truth for yourself instead of accepting it blindly or reducing it to a list.

Consider that another part of the destiny, nature, and duties of an individual. I live each day and experience things from my perspective, with my expectations, with my own deepest values. These deep values led me to both the negative (a missed flight) and to the positive (the opportunity to provide private concerts for my grandma). For each of us to live otherwise might be a perfect replication of someone else, but as the Bhagavad Gita said, it's better to be our imperfectly perfect selves.

Image credits: 
"Let Peace Fill Your Body" (free use image was taken by Sage Friedman and downloaded via Unsplash).
"Checklist"(free use image was taken by Glenn Carstens and downloaded via Unsplash).
"Stewart Falls"(free use image was taken by Dakota Corbin and downloaded via Unsplash).
"Pianista"(free use image was taken by Ella Pellagrini and downloaded via Unsplash).
"Airplane"(free use image was taken by Tom Barrett and Downloaded via Unsplash).